sync & correction by f1nc0 ~ Addic7ed.com ~
[Karen] This is gonna be fun! I'm super excited!
It's too early to be super excited.
See? A yawn.
- That's proof. - This is my first time
going out deer hunting with the fellas.
Okay, but why do you have to go out at the break of dawn?
It doesn't seem fair to shoot something
while they're still asleep.
- We're not actually shooting anything. - You're not?
- We're not? - No, we just go out into the woods
during deer season to sort of participate
in the whole thing. It's like camping,
but we don't actually shoot anything.
- Aw... - Maybe some road signs.
- Yay! - Good for you.
I mean, to be honest, you never really struck me as a hunter.
More of a gatherer. Hoarder.
Bystander? I'm trying not to say "coward."
Look, just because this is a farming town,
it doesn't mean everyone's into killing stuff.
- Time to go bag us some Bambis! - Whoo-hooo!
Bam! Bam! Bam! Bam! Bam! Bam!
[rowdy laughter]
Having said that, many people around here
are super into killing stuff.
♪ You think there's not a lot going on ♪
♪ Look closer, baby you're so wrong ♪
2x07 - Pioneer and Deer
So none of you... not Hank, not Davis,
- have killed anything? Ever? - Nope.
Unless a mosquito lands on me and starts sucking.
I will straight up murder that.
Then what do you guys do in the woods?
We eat hotdogs, drink coffee, pee on stuff.
So, same thing you do when you're not in the woods,
- and zero shooting. - We still have a good time.
I like to take photos of any animals we see.
Davis is big into tracking,
so there's a lot of crouching and looking pensive,
- and sniffing branches or whatever. - What about Hank?
We're not going to shoot Hank.
Oh, Hank shoot something? Uh. He's not going to kill anything.
He's too sensitive and emotionally delicate.
Aw!
[music]
Oh, boy! [giggling] Pioneer Days is finally here.
Oh, my favourite event. [laughs]
I think this year I'll start watching the Butter Churnament,
then spend a couple hours at the Fiddling Deathmatch,
and then win a few bucks at Chicken Crap Bingo.
[chuckling] How does that sound?
It sounds like I forgot to tell you you're not going.
What? Why the hell not?
Because you've been banned by the organizing committee.
Banned? What does the organizing committee have against me?
These Pioneer Days are a joke!
The baking contest is right beside the livestock stench!
The hamster races are rigged! Half of them are gerbils!
The whole thing is a gong show.
You even got rid of the gong show!
Do you jackass simpletons have one brain between you?
"Simpleton" is a medical term.
The bottom line is you're banned, and even if you weren't,
you still have to stay home and guard my caulibarb.
- Caulibarb? I've never heard of... - It's my own hybrid plant.
- Because of course it is. - Part cauliflower, part rhubarb.
The deer go crazy for it this time of year.
So, Oscar, you're staying home and guarding the garden.
- Why can't you do it? - I have to do
the Old-Timey Threshing Machine demonstration again.
- People love it. - But Karen's out hunting.
Doesn't she usually play your pioneer woman?
Yeah, but Wanda is happy to fill in.
Why do I have to do your stupid play?
You just have to talk about pioneer life.
It's all in the script.
[sighs]
"A Day in the Life of a Pioneer" with Jane T. Wright.
Why does that name sound familiar?
I'm playing her? She looks more like you.
Why don't you do it?
Oh, I would never dream of stepping into her shoes.
Jane T. Wright was the very embodiment
of the strong prairie woman. Tough, yet tender.
Sassy, yet sweet. Kind, yet terrifying.
- Paradoxical, yet... - I got it! She was a real bag of snakes.
Don't worry about the presentation.
No one's going to pay any attention to you.
They're really there to see me run the old-timey thresher.
- It's very exciting. - That must be why
there's so many action movies about agriculture.
I wanted to leave the assassin life behind [music]
and grow flax and barley,
but you wouldn't let me.
Looks like this farmer is gonna be harvesting...
organs.
[grunts of combat]
I don't remember that movie.
I made it up as a graphic example.
[music]
- ...and a dollar is your change. - Keep it.
A dollar tip? Fitzy, are you drunk?
A small thank you for volunteering to wood the grill
- at the Pioneer Days barbecue. - Now, it is my pleasure.
I came up with a new marinade for my chicken,
a delicate blend of Italian herbs,
with turmeric and ginger...
Can you put it on deer steaks and deer sausage?
There's no deer on the menu.
There's no menu. It's deer.
Every year we cook up what the hunters bring back.
You've never lived until you've tasted a fresh Bambi burger.
What do you people have against Bambi?!
I hope the hunters get a good haul this year.
You never know,
because there's no foolproof way to lure a deer.
- Caulibarb! - You can call it Barb,
you can call it Dave, deer still won't come.
- Right. Forget I said anything. - Can do.
Look at them up there,
thinking they're so big and macho in the front seat.
I'm riding up front on the way home!
You getting queasy back there, buddy?
- Funny tummy? - My tummy is fine...
- I-I mean, my gut is fine! - I have to be up here to track.
Monitor wind shifts, look for motion in the bush...
You're just up there because that's where the Danishes are.
Hey, Hank, what kind of flowers are you going to pick this year?
I don't pick flowers! I clear bush!
Okay, all right.
I'm just saying, when you're done,
you've usually made a pretty nice daisy chain.
So? I like chain. All kinds of chain.
Maybe I'll make some chain mail. Join a chain gang.
You got raisin Danish? Nobody likes raisin.
I'll eat it. I can handle a few raisins.
You sure, Hank? You know raisins give you the scoots.
Deal with it!
[music]
Hey! I read your stupid pioneer play.
It's just about how hard the men worked,
and how tough the men were,
and how the women just swooned around at home,
squirting out kids and bread.
Maybe that's how it was back then.
Pioneer women contributed a hell of a lot to settle this country.
Look at Jane T. Wright.
- What did Jane T. Wright do? - What did she do?!
I don't know. Didn't you write this?
I just picked it up from stories old people threw around town.
Go do some research and rewrite it if you want.
I've got an old book of Dog River history.
Go get it from Oscar.
[music]
Stupid garden... "Go protect my caulibarb!"
Yeah. If you didn't invent it, the deer wouldn't eat it.
Ever think of that?!
- Oh, right, I'm alone. - Oscar!
[yelps] I thought I was alone.
Have any deer come around here?
You haven't shot any, have you?
You can't fire off a gun within town limits.
If I could, I wouldn't need the fence, would I, genius?
So the deer can't be shot if they're within town limits?
Uh, listen, I was thinking how unfair it is
that you were banned from Pioneer Days.
If I were you, I'd go anyway, just to prove a point.
Maybe I will!
- What's my point? - Your point is you're a grown man
who can't be told what to do.
Now, put on a disguise so no one recognizes you.
A disguise? That's a good idea.
Thanks, Lacey.
I take back the mean stuff I said about you this morning.
[chuckles] You didn't say anything mean to me.
Not "to" you.
[music]
Hey, Brent, if you're into taking photos,
take one of me in this hunting gear.
- I want to send it to my dad. - Okiedoke.
That's your camera?
Shouldn't that be on display at Pioneer Days?
Just use my phone. I want to text him the pictures.
Fine, be a techno-sheep. No skin off my nose.
- How do I look? - Kind of pudgy.
- Reverse the lens. - Oh, there you are, but it's a bit dark.
There's better lighting in that clearing.
Plus I've been itching to pee on that shrub since we got here.
How's it hanging?
I think I may have found a game trail.
Cool, cool...
[spits]
- Hey, uh, you got any tobacco? - Tobacco?
Yeah, smoke or chew, either's good.
- Tough guys chew, right? - I don't.
Ha! You said it, not me!
- [winces] Ah... - You okay, Hank?
You didn't eat that raisin Danish, did you?
No, I'm just...
I heard Brent say he thinks I'm emotional and delicate.
- So you need a hug? - What I need is to show him
I'm tougher than he thinks, so this year
I'm going to actually shoot a deer,
but I need something from you.
- Hug time. Bring it in, little buddy. - No, no, no,
you have to track a deer so I can kill it.
I just track for the thrill of the chase,
getting close enough to actually see one
before they bound off into the woods
with their puffy white tail bouncing behind them.
- I'll give you all the meat. - Done.
I do love a good Bambi burger.
Hmm, no deer yet.
Maybe they're not as into
this caulibarb stuff as Emma says. [gasps] Oh!
Hey! Eat the stuff on the ground, don't just...
Well, there you go. Eat up, boys. Or girls...
More where that came from.
[humming happily]
[music]
[knocking]
- Who are you supposed to be? - Lone Ranger.
Who are you supposed to be? Aunt Jemima?
Yeah. I'm here to check your syrup supply.
- It's in the fridge. I gotta go. - Hang on.
Emma said I could borrow some history book.
Can you find it for me?
- Why can't you find it? - Because!
I can barely see out of this giant stupid bonnet.
I mean, don't get me wrong, if I had an operation,
it'd keep me from licking my stitches.
Fine. "Watch my garden." "Find my book."
Can't anyone do anything for themselves?
Is that the official Lone Ranger motto?
Huh, well, that was a waste of time.
- What was? - We spent the entire
morning in the woods and never saw a single deer.
Aw, that is too bad,
and I was so looking forward to a Bambi burger.
Ah, well, everyone will just have to try
my new grilled chicken marinade.
[music]
[sniffs]
[sniffing]
- Hmm... - Find anything?
Shh! We're not gonna find anything
- with you being so loud. - We gotta bag a deer soon.
I got the blood lust now. I'm a killing machine!
A merciless warrior!
[sniffing]
- [licks] - [gags] Ugh, oh...
Did you lick a rock? Don't tell Brent I gagged.
[camera snapping]
You look good in this light. You could be a model.
[chuckles] Really? Like for Vogue?
I was thinking Field & Stream.
Okay, that's enough photos now.
Let's do some of the other cool stuff you guys do out here.
- I want to pee on something. - Hold on.
Let's do a few more photos,
because I really think I could send these in somewhere.
But loosen up. Be a bit more sultry and alluring.
Alluring? No way, I'd feel stupid.
- There's nothing to feel stupid about. - I wouldn't know how.
Ah, simplest thing in the world.
You just lean against something...
you're hot, exhausted... lips slightly apart...
Are you thirsty? Afraid?
- Are you cold and alone? - I see...
But give me a bit more pout.
[music] [camera snapping]
Mm...
Oh, no, my boot's untied.
[sighs]
No good. Needs a new belt.
Problem is, nobody makes belts for these old machines anymore.
You do whatever it takes to make it run.
All right.
She gone? [chuckling] You look ridiculous.
[crowd murmuring in concern]
- There's none out there. - I can't remember another year
when we didn't even see a deer.
- Climate change is real. - Yup.
Maybe in another 20 years, the deer will be extinct,
- like the penguins. - Penguins aren't extinct.
I realized that as soon as I said it.
Hey! Get away from there!
Okay, Jane T. Wright, let's see what your deal was.
Boring, boring...
bor... hold the phone. Oh, that can't be right.
Wow. [chuckles] I was not expecting that.
[door opens]
We're closed for Pioneer Days!
A-ha! Oh! What the hell?
[yelps]
Is this some kinda Hitchcock thing? [music]
- What's going on? - Nothing. Just woodsy forest things.
- What are you doing? - Been tracking deer, but it's strange.
All indications show the flow travelling
in the opposite direction from other years.
Like, back toward town.
- That doesn't mean I want to be a model. - What?
I'm just saying we may as well pack up camp and head home.
- A model? - For a chunky monkey, he's got moves.
Hey, I was posing...
I mean, Karen was posing down by the river, and I saw these.
Aren't these those purple flowers you like?
I hate flowers.
Okay, do you also hate getting a boot in your tooter,
'cause that's a couple seconds away
if you don't tell me what's with the attitude.
Oh, now who's sensitive?
Well, I think everyone is going to enjoy
my rather substantial re-write of the pioneer play.
I think folks will be plenty interested
in the authentic historical details
I have unearthed about our own Jane T. Wright.
Plenty interested indeed. Mm-hmm, yup.
Muy, muy interestico.
- Could you go somewhere else now? - Can do.
[music]
Ah! No!
I didn't realize there were this many deer.
That's why we hunt them every year,
to control the overpopulation.
- Overpopulation? - Yeah. If there's more of them than us,
- and once they get the vote, we are... - Dammit, Nate!
I've told you that's not the issue.
[music] [chomping]
Hey! What the hell?
[music]
Oh!
Hey! I only needed one more plop, you jackass!
These deer are ruining everything!
What simpletons are on the organizing committee this year?
And we can't even shoot the deer in town,
so there won't be any sausage for the barbecue.
This is about bingo!
Bingo has been called. Hold your cards.
Oscar, we need to find a way to get rid of these deer.
Who is this, uh, Oscar you speak of?
I'm the one who told you to wear a disguise.
- Oh, yeah. - Aah!
They can still smell the caulibarb on me.
This is all my fault.
Why are there so many deer in town?
It's not my fault! That's all we know.
Oscar, I told you you weren't allowed here,
and why are you dressed like the Lone Ranger?
I'm not. I mean, he's not.
Come with me. I have an idea.
Okay, why are you pouting?
- You've been pouting all day. - I heard you tell Karen
you thought I was sensitive and emotionally delicate.
He didn't say "emotionally delicate."
He said... Oh, yeah, that is what you said.
Does seem harsh, now that I hear it again.
So I said you were delicate,
and you were gonna prove me wrong by pouting?
I was going to prove you wrong by actually killing a deer.
Killing something doesn't make you macho.
[splat]
See? Grasshopper. Does that make me a tough guy?
I know what you said, and I know what you think.
Just drive. [splat]
[gags] Ugh, that was a big one.
[crowd murmuring in concern]
Ladies and gentlemen of the fine settlement of Dog River.
In a few minutes, you will be witness
to the modern engineering marvel
that is an old-timey threshing machine,
but let me be clear,
the men who settled this area
weren't the only ones doing the work.
The women of that time, [music]
or this time, however we're playing this,
were every bit as important,
and many were the town's first entrepreneurs.
In fact, as we all know,
our very own Jane T. Wright
founded the Post Office, the first General Store,
co-operated the local blacksmith...
but you may be surprised to learn she also operated...
a cat house!
Okay, that is to say... a house of ill repute!
A whore house? [crowd gasps]
[Wanda laughs]
Now that I have your attention,
I will re-enact a typical transaction from that time.
I need a male volunteer.
- Ooh, me! - Me, me, me!
[thresher engine rumbles to life]
- Success! Thanks again. - My pleasure.
It's been two hours. Pull up your pants.
Step right up, ladies and gentlemen,
as I demonstrate the pinnacle of 1905 agricultural technology.
Hey! The wheat wagon is gone.
- Who took the wheat wagon? - He's saving Pioneer Days!
[laughing] This is working like a charm.
[gulping]
Okay, but can I sit up there with you?
Nope. Gotta be back there
where they can smell your caulibarb stink.
[groans] Nice.
Where are we taking the deer, anyway?
Back to the... Ow! ...woods?
No, they'd just turn around and head back to town.
I have a better idea.
[Oscar chuckles]
What was designed to keep them out
is now keeping them in. How's that for larceny?
- Do you mean "irony"? - I might.
Won't Emma be mad that they're eating all her other plants?
Sure. Mad as hell, but she'll never know it was me,
- thanks to your disguise idea. - Um... okay,
but let's not mention the "my idea" part?
[music]
The shots you took of me are good,
but the ones I took are awesome.
Well, you had an awesome model.
You are kind of sexy in these shots. Everyone's saying so.
- Everyone? - Yeah. I posted some online,
and you've had an offer to appear in a magazine.
- Really? Which one? - It's called "Out & Outdoors."
"The wilderness adventure magazine for gay men."
Hmm... I guess I really was bringing the heat, wasn't I?
It sucks that I never got to prove to Brent
that I'm rugged enough to shoot a deer.
Well, if you're serious, now's your chance.
Guess my tracking skills are still on point.
You didn't track him. He just showed up.
Did he? Or did I get inside his mind?
- No, he just showed up. - Okay, fine, but he's outside
the town limit sign. Legally fair game.
[music]
Aw, I can't do it.
Brent was right. I'm soft!
[gun fires]
[horn blares]
[thud]
[thresher whirring]
Ooh... looks like we're gonna have deer sausage after all!
[crowd cheering] Yay! Whoo!
Well, that was gross.
Now you know why I just track 'em.
[music]
Hey... everyone's talking about your dramatic retooling
of the Jane T. Wright story.
I had everyone in the palm of my hand,
till Emma fired up the deer grinder.
Yeah, but I think you're a bit mixed up.
Jane ran a house of women, yes,
because she took in a lot of widows at the time,
and she also took in stray cats. It was a literal cat house.
Oh. Ah, well, who cares?
I never let a few facts get in the way of a good story.
[murmuring in confusion]
I guess we'll never know who that masked man was
who saved Pioneer Days.
- It was me! I saved the day. - Oh, please.
Emma asked the stranger directly if he was you,
and he clearly said he wasn't.
Yup. Guess we'll never know.
It was me, I tell ya! I'm a hero!
Ya simpletons!
You were right, Brent. I had that deer right in my sights
and couldn't pull the trigger. I guess I'm weak.
That doesn't make you weak.
Listen, guys like you and me are strong.
- Stronger than those other dudes. - What do you mean?
Well, neither of us can kill a deer,
yet here were are, happily eating one.
It takes a lot of inner strength
to overcome that level of hypocrisy.
- Really? - It would crush most men. But...
Huh... when you put it that way...
Yeah. I guess we are kinda tough.
Mm! Wow, I hate to say it,
but these Bambi burgers are delicious.
Thanks for killing that deer, Hank.
Oh, I didn't. I just, uh...
oh, my God, I killed Bambi!
[whimpers]
[sobbing]
- [weeping] No! - You know he's emotionally delicate.
[music]
♪ I don't know ♪
♪ The same things you don't know ♪
♪ I don't know ♪
♪ I just... don't know ♪
- ♪ Ooh ♪ - ♪ It's a great big place ♪
- ♪ Ooh ♪ - ♪ Full of nothin' but space ♪
- ♪ Ooh ♪ - ♪ And it's my happy place ♪
♪ I don't know ♪
sync & correction by f1nc0 ~ Addic7ed.com ~